A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
