I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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