I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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