I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think pants incapable of making pants work
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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