Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
