I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
