my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
