My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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