You made me cry and you don't even care
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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