Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
