did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
