WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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