I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
