Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
