Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
