is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
