You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So vagazzling was a success
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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