Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so let's talk penis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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