she woke up with a sticky ear
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
