Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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