Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
