Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
