he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish you could order shots online.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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