you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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