Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
