It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
