you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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