sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
