allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
