Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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