Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
