I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
