why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
