When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
