I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
