i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
