I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
