have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
