I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my poor anus
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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