We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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