i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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