Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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