Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
