My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
