I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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