well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
