So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
