I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Randomize
