i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
