ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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