Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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