I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
