Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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